The word “New” seems to be following me everywhere lately. On top of a new year, I am finding that I am making new friends, learning new things about old friends, and I am learning new things about myself every day. The only thing that is more fracturing than all of these new elements in my life is the rapid change that came upon me almost unexpectedly last month and how I am now having my hand forced for accept these modifications. I spent weeks fighting them but I am pulling my head above the surface and stopping the overwhelming drowning feeling that was consuming me. By taking a cue from my favorite time traveling adventurer, I am embracing and taking charge of this change and not a moment too soon.
I spent my New Year’s Eve with my roommate for a humble but welcome celebration where we engaged in drinks, games, and introspection about life and where we want to take it. My last year had many ups and downs but I want my new year to have many more ups than downs but that is on me. Responsibility was never my strong-suit but it looks like I have to actually grow up. We talked about the lessons we have learned over another year on the planet and how we could make the most out of all of them. Rather than make a resolution that I may fail to remember or carry on with, I made myself a promise, printed it out, and I look at it every time I sit at my desk to remember what I told myself.
It reads a little something like this:
“I promise to myself and those that I have the fortune of meeting through my life to abide by the following. I will always use kind words and never use them to hurt or cause pain. I will always treat myself with respect, confidence, compassion, humility, and dignity. I will never sell myself short or forget the lessons I have learned in the past. I will no longer allow the past to direct the future. I will always face forward and keep moving through life. I will always give back more than I get and ask nothing in return. I will live righteously, healthy, safely, ad make the impossible possible every single day that I am on this planet. From this point, I am free to live and love.“
If you can make out the picture, you may have noticed a typo. I figured I could correct it by fixing it and re-printing but I remembered to err is human and that required a degree of forgiveness. It’s now a reminder that mistakes are okay and failure is an option that I should not fear but strive to overcome.
I choose the three characters in the frame as character to remind me where I have been, where I am going, and where I am. I chose Athrun Zala from Gundam Seed/Seed Destiny in the top left to remind me of when I choose to leave home and join the Navy knowing that I could no longer grow from where I lived. Love was lost, family was few and far between, and running away from home could be masked by the call of duty and veil of honor. “Never look back” was my credo and it served me well for the time. I have the 11th Doctor in the top right to remind me where I am now. Much like me, he is silly, goofy, and a man-child but when the time comes to be serious and take care of the things that seem to make life difficult, he can straighten up, show tact and affection towards friends and enemies, and attempt to make the things harming him better or live with those he could not fix. Embracing courage despite fear and sacrificing what need to be sacrificed to help others. Finally, Elsa, the Snow Queen from Frozen at the bottom strictly for her determination to rise up against the adversity facing her and showing extreme resilience to it’s demoralizing nature. Less than a villain but more inward focused is where my heart needs to be.
That leads me back to the 11th Doctor and his regeneration on Christmas Day. It inspired my own personal regeneration but to do that, I had to look inwardly. If I were to have a single name to describe myself like “The Doctor”, mine would be The Lover. I spent the last year and a half making sure that I was self-sacrificing, giving to my partner, learning to love unconditionally, and to live for someone other than myself. It was a challenge that I am not sure that I honestly met. Regardless, I gave my all, heart, soul, time, money, and companionship. Unfortunately, in my time with this person, I became swept up in my feelings and did not see that the spark had faded from her. She had the courage to move on where I did not. It’s not easy to make a transition so quickly. It ate me alive until I decided to pick-myself up. Everything must end, but bliss can blind you too reality.
However, I am alive. Blood courses through my ever vibrant veins. Things are just beyond the horizon that I couldn’t see until I began to “regenerate”. I forgot how before the incarnation of The Lover that I used to be just as passionate towards writing, stand-up comedy, and projects. I didn’t recall how I lived humbly off the kindness of others’ generosity and how much friendship meant to me. I did not remember the profound effect words had on me, how they inspired me, and how they shaped my outlook on everything.
Now, I am looking forward at new goals. I am moving out on my own in May for the first time ever and I have no idea what to expect but it will be my new step towards independence. I am managing a budget to keep my finances in check so that I can stop reckless spending that has plagued me before. Lastly, I have a secret project in the future that is going to hopefully rock the socks off of my friends and loved ones at the end of the month. All I have to do is stay true to myself and keep pushing forward.
For now, I take Matt Smith’s words as I change into a new man familiar with the past. Who will I change into? The Writer? The Dreamer? The Inspirer? The Champion? The Comedian? Maybe even a new version of The Lover? Only time will tell as my regeneration cycle continues. All I can say is that the barriers are coming down. I believe the 11th said it best:
I will not forget…